The Life of God, A Biblical Parody
by hidyho
Summary: A take off of severaal books of the bible, if irreligious content offends you, do not read, Though personally, find it pretty funny.
1. The Creation

The Life of God A Biblical Parody By Erik Schmidt  
  
Disclaimer: This story is for entertainment value only and is not intended to dictate either false or true religious beliefs to anybody. So read, enjoy, and don't sue.  
  
Chapter 1: The Creation  
  
When a five year old first goes to a Christian Sunday school class, one of the first questions I hear from him or her is usually something along the lines of "Mommy, When did God make us, and why does he want us here?" I can't possibly explain to you how annoying this is. So, to stop the flow of questions, I have decided to set a few things straight that the bible decided to lie about. Whether it was out of ignorance, or the true story didn't fit their life picture may never be known, but here at last is the true story.  
  
One of the biggest mistakes in the book of genesis is the creation story. First up, there were originally eight days in the week. Day two was when I started creating stuff; day one was when I was born.  
  
You mortals picture hell as a pit of fire that no one wants to get stuck in. Well, that's true now, but before my lab rat, Lucifer, escaped, it was quite nice there. A little warm, yes, but quite a nice place, especially if you want a tan. I was born there. Day one of creation is when I hatched down in hell. It should be said that I look kind of like a medieval fairy, only a lot bigger and with an extra pair of wings. Oh yeah, unlike most of the fairies, I'm not female. I'm not male either. I have no gender. Get used to it.  
  
As I said, I hatched on day 1. I spent quite a few hours down there trying to figure out why it was that when I snapped there was a loud clap and a burst of what I eventually figured out was light. So, once I sorted the whole omnipotent god thing out, I turned to the burning item on every toddlers mind. TOYS!!!! So, snap, there I am, hovering up in the sky, standing on nothing, with a bunch of angels around me. Angels are my playthings. Still are, in fact.  
  
So, next thing I decided to create was a house, I named it heaven. Now, in the midst of all the building, what with the lumber dust and all, I sneezed. I bet you can guess how the Earth came into being. You are living on a pile of god mucus. A few billion-year-old piece of it. Well, I was way too busy to wipe it away, so I left it. Some mold grew, and that's how you have bacteria, viruses, and most plants, not to mention one- celled organisms and such.  
  
Now that I had my house, food was the next pressing matter. The plants on Earth weren't fully developed yet, so I had to thing of something else. That's when I came up with the miracle known as seltzer. It is the true food of the gods. Well, a few of the angels thought it would be funny if they made some faces at me when I was drinking. I cracked up, seltzer came out my nose, and slammed into Earth. Not only did that create lakes, rivers, and oceans, but also it hit hard enough to send it into orbit around what you call the sun, but I call heaven.  
  
Now came the little problem of light. My light bulbs weren't very efficient back then. So I filled some balloons with hydrogen, let them loose, and set fire to them. Hello stars. Who knew they would burn this long.  
  
Well, my mind ultimately landed on toys again. Angels weren't fun to kick around anymore. I let out some animals onto Earth. Humans were not among them. Dinosaurs were. I decided to keep one of the rats as a pet and I named him Lucifer. Well, I also tired of animals very quickly. Time to go back to angels.  
  
I decided that if it wiped out my house even, I was damn well going to mess with someone or something. When lo and behold, what was that sticking out of a cloud? The wing of an angel. I pulled, maybe a little too hard. Damn he fell fast. Hello humans.  
  
Before I new it, half my angels were wingless and human. To make up for it, I grew a huge garden for them to live in and decided to call it Eden. This is about when I entered my chemistry phase. 


	2. Stan, Hell, and Eden

Chapter two: Satan, Hell, and Eden  
  
I mentioned earlier something about my chemistry phase. This is important because it is thanks to chemistry that Satan is in charge of hell and I can no longer get a flametan there.  
  
Well, during my chem phase, I did quite a few experiments. Most of them on my pet rat, Lucifer. Well. This didn't do too much for him, as I was omnipotent, any powers I inadvertently gave him I could simply zap away.  
  
I'm not entirely sure which of us pushed the bookcase, but before I could zap away Lucifer's latest transformation, the bookcase with all my chemistry books was falling to earth, and Lucifer had winged his way down to hell.  
  
It's time to explain what Lucifer, who changed his name to Satan, looks like. He still retains the image of a rat with only a few differences. He's one big rat, with huge fucking wings, and instead of a tail, something that even porn stars can't talk about without vomiting. Come to think of it, looking at Satan's backside makes me vomit to. But I'll summon it and try to explain it to you. Grab a bucket, here it goes.  
  
For you girls out there, imagine you had three large boobs sticking out of your vagina, and your vagina was where your ass is now. This would look a little like what Satan has instead of a tail. Just a hell of a lot bigger, with a huge fucking penis sticking out of the center (sorry, I had to get my perv fix). Ladies and gentleman, give a big hello to the queen bitch known as Satan.  
  
Now, how does all this tie into the Garden of Eden? Well, we mustn't forget the bookcase speeding like a fucking superman clone into the ball of god snot. Guess where it just happened to land. Hello tree of knowledge.  
  
I warned the fallen angels (humans) that this was big stuff and they shouldn't touch it. But when have you humans ever listened to me. I tell a guy down in Texas to warn everyone about the whole North Korea nuclear missile shit, and you lock him up. There's gratitude for ya. So, despite the fact that they couldn't even reach the second shelf on there without a step ladder, the managed to grab a book with the aid of a grappling hook. I take this opportunity to remind you to thank your chemistry teacher for kicking you out of paradise next time you see him. 


	3. Leviticus

Chapter 3: Leviticus  
  
Of all the things in the bible that I have the most trouble understanding, it's the book Leviticus. I mean, do you really think I care that much whether or not you humans eat things with hooves. If I didn't want you eating hoofed animals I would have given pigs and cows opposable toes.  
  
I can see why you people would want to take a little liberty with the creation story. But some of the stuff in Leviticus is a bit too much. The whole homo thing for instance.  
  
Who the fuck cares whether or not someone chooses to like guys or girls. Lesbians and gays are humans, and what's more, having no gender myself, I have a soft spot in my heart for gays and lesbians. So, quick hint to all you homosexuals out there, you are much more likely to get into heaven then those homophobes out there who say your all going against my will.  
  
Next thing I utterly despise in this section is this whole thing about saying that I sanction slavery. What the fuck is wrong with you people!?!?!?!? You yourselves figured out a few hundred years ago that slavery was wrong. Why do I have to intervene and say "guess what, I agree, slavery should be stopped". I can forgive and all that shit. But one of y'all should have said gee, maybe god doesn't like slavery after all, I mean, it's not like he came down in the 1800's and said that we should keep slavery going because the black people are servants of Satan. For the record, the ones working for Satan are the jellyfish. They can hear you speaking, so shhhh. Seriously though, you people should start using the remaining 25% of your brain a little more effectively.  
  
Now, I suppose I could also get into the stoning bit. The death penalty is bogus. Now, I believe in this whole thing about cruel and unusual punishment being over the top, but most of the people you kill are innocent. So, your death penalty kind of gives me some action. So, you kill an innocent, they come to the onyx gates (like shit they're pearly) and meet, not Saint Peter, but Saint Porter (Peter is on three century sabbatical since 2000). Well of course, Porter asks, "How did you die". They say "death penalty". We look into it. If they were innocent, I get to throw some lightning bolts. You have no clue how much satisfaction I get from that.  
  
Now, I think it's time to revisit that whole food thing. See, for some reason, the guy who wrote this part had a really extraordinary sense of taste. And he hated fish. So, this is where the part where it says something like "Thou shalt not meat which has touched fish, for it is unclean".  
  
There is a similar explanation for the hoof thing. The person in question was an early version of the head of the E.P.A. He decided that to save the cow, why not lobby with the people righting the "word of God" and get the thing about hooves in there? It worked, cow death rate went down, meat consumption went down, cows went way up, and consequently, it smelled like cow shit up here until two things happened.  
People decided that sheep didn't taste as good as cow. Cow life expectancy goes down. Cow crap goes down. And somebody up here hit upon the bright idea of baking soda cleaners. Ah, minty fresh. 


End file.
